As outgoing as I can be at times, I find the older I get, there are moments where I want to sit back, not be disturbed, and quietly observe; taking in life exactly as is. It is the kind of moment where the world almost slows down and I am able to really watch , listen and feel what is going on around me.
This moment has been occurring more as of late, and as of the last couple months, I have really had the opportunity to apply it to my relationship. I saw a lot the weekend I was in Seattle. The love that Carl and my sister Valerie share and have for one another was truly something special to see. They have been a couple since high school, and although I have seen the two of them together for years, to see the growth in their relationship and be able to FEEL the love that they have and experience the excitement on their faces for their upcoming "I Do's," it made me so so happy for them. As for me, it only made me sad that I was left to question even more the way I was being treated in my relationship.
Unfortunately AND Fortunately (hard to say with my heart hurting), I also realized that I was not receiving the kind of love in return that I deserved in a relationship, and after two and a half years of having it be that way more times than not, enough is enough and this man definitely DID NOT deserve me. Not the woman I am nor the incredible Wife and Mom I am going to be one day. Goodness, I so badly wanted to be LOVED by this person the way I loved him, and tried so hard to get quality time with him but sadly this man loved himself way more. I wanted the absolute world with this guy. But no matter how much I cared about this man and wanted him as my forever, or how badly I wanted to believe there was no way he could be the horribly mean person he decided to show me, reality hit home (harder than I would have liked) and both his actions and words became very clear, and I could no longer ignore the person he is.
For so long, I could never understand how one day he could be extremely lovey twd me and the next distant as ever. He would say he wanted a future with me too, but I will never understand why he would say that and then say and do things that would push me away or bring me to tears. It took me awhile to let my guard down and to really trust this man, and I honestly wish I had never done so because he only judged me harder. He didn't love me for who I was the way I did him nor do I think he understood that a relationship takes two people and more times than not each putting the other first; he was not ready to do this. Things were just strange, the way he thought he was this outsider that no one (especially me (ha) understood him. TRUST ME people, it was not hard at all to understand this man and forget trying to tell him that. Yes, I am guilty as charged. I completely ignored my gut to stop being loyal and walk away from this man BUUUUT, I loved him a lot and like a ton of bricks, I was hit hard with the realization this man was real good at manipulating and he had been doing so since the beginning. How I chose to look past this for so long, I don't know but now looking back, he actually was so good at what he did that he actually had me questioning myself on many different occasions throughout the relationship; not only as a person, but as a woman
(Not Okay).
In addition, I will probably never understand how he was easily capable of watching me, the woman who he said he loved oh so much, cry by something hurtful he would say and/or do and sit there watching me with no empathy what-so-ever usually saying "I would not do a thing differently." It was frightening how he had no remorse for things he would do wrong (and if he were here right now he would most likely say "wrong to who, you?"). I would often ask "how can you be so heartless?" And he would quickly disagree with my statement, but now looking back I am not sure why I thought he would want to try and understand why I would say something as strong as that. Another lesson learned. Take a second to really look into a person's eyes. I saw more in his eyes (and in his soul) than I was ready to admit to myself that is for sure.
I am no where near perfect, I am not afraid to say that. Never in a million years could I not be sorry for something hurtful I say or do to someone let alone feel nothing when the person I care most about is clearly upset. We are human. Or so I thought most of us are ; / ? He often questioned his ability to be a good husband and father when it came time, and from what I experienced I now understand why.
Advice for all you ladies out there...
If a man often compliments himself saying how sexy and awesome he is (lol no really)...
If a man puts his woman down more times than not or gives you back handed compliments...
If a man refuses to walk his woman to the restroom at 2:00AM while camping for the first time...
If a man uses "I" instead of "we" when talking about the future...
If a man constantly judges his woman, ADMITS never fully accepting her from day 1 & then still does it...
If a man talks about his past relationships OFTEN...
If a man has zero patience...
If a man says he will wait for you for however long it takes for you to trust him again...
If a man says he doesn't know why but he makes you out to be a bad person in his head...
If a man never says I am sorry...
If a man does not want to do things or go places with you because he has already done it himself...
If a man has to learn how to be concerned about you...
If a man would rather hold grudges than forgive...
If a man says to your face he doesn't love everything about you...
If a man questions his ability to be a good husband and father...
If a man says he is happy yet always has something to complain about...
If a man thinks no one in the world "understands" or "grasps" him...
If a man says he wants to work on himself and then doesn't because he says he doesn't need to...
If a man disappears when he vacations alone OR wants to go off alone when vacationing together...
If a man can't figure out how to balance his life with work, girlfriend and friends...
If a man asks for your help AND THEN says he never needs your or anyone's help EVER...
And finally, if you are ever in a position where you give a man and second chance and he says he will never be a certain way or do something ever again...
WALK AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN.
Don't be a fool like me and believe the good in people will overcome the bad or believe in love the way I did. It ain't worth it, Trust Me.
Yes, of course there were reasons why I fell in love with him. And yes, there are always two sides to every story. But at the end of the day, this mans mean demeanor out shined the good. There is no possible way some one could deliberately be that mean and not be aware of it. All the secrets, name calling, the grudges (Ugh, those were the worse) and strange behavior patterns, well...
Definitely not a person I wanted to have my heart; to be my forever.
To be quite honest, all I have ever wanted for myself is to be with a man that was capable of letting himself completely go and loving the same kind of love I give; Hard & Unconditional. I was excited when I first met my ex because he too said this was how he loved BUT I realized quickly in our relationship that was not the case and he had these strange expectations of me and I ignored it (why the heck did I do that to myself?). I have learned that unconditional love is a special gift that cannot be taught. I believe every person has it in them, just not everyone is aware on how to share the gift with others. I know that man is out there who will want to share that gift with me, just a matter of time that I meet him. I found this a little while back (see below) and I am so glad I held onto it. I should have glanced at it more frequently, as it may have helped me come to terms with that man not being right for me much quicker than I did.
Something I will now hold close to my heart and never forget.
Until next time, you can find me with this girl who will have my whole heart always.
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