From A Man's Perspective...

Every now and again I come across an article that is worth sharing. For this specific article,  it touched on so many key points that pertain not only to marriage but to relationships and although it is written from a man's perspective, I to found a lot of useful information..  I hope those of you who read this can find the article as informative as I did.  The article can be found here http://www.viralnova.com/20-marriage-tips/ but I have also copied and pasted it below... Enjoy.

20 Marriage Tips Everyone Needs to Know

Below are 20 wise marriage tips from a man that was recently divorced. You wouldn’t normally think that a divorced man would give good advice on being a husband, but this man has been through enough hardship to know what is worth fighting for:


MARRIAGE ADVICE I WISH I WOULD HAVE HAD:
Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had…

1) Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.


2) PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

3) FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

4) ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.

5) IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

6) TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7) NEVER BLAME your wife If YOU get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

8) Allow your woman to JUST BE. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

9) BE SILLY… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.
 
10) FILL HER SOUL EVERYDAY… learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

11) BE PRESENT. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

12) BE WILLING TO TAKE HER SEXUALLY, to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

13) DON’T BE AN IDIOT…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

14) GIVE HER SPACE… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)

15) BE VULNERABLE… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

16) BE FULLY TRANSPARENT. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don’t know i she will like what she finds… Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17) NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

18) DON’T WORRY ABOUT MONEY. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.

19) FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

20) ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.
In the end MARRIAGE isn’t about Happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come.  Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.

These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late.
But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I LOVED being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.

If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for. The woman that told him ‘I do’, and trusted her life with him, has been waiting for this man to step up.

If you are reading this and your marriage isn’t what you want it to be, take 100% responsibility for YOUR PART in marriage, regardless of where your spouse is at, and commit to applying these lessons while there is time.

MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE : Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from you.
Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.

A Girls Best Friend

I came across a bumper sticker driving to work one day and it read "Who Rescued Who?" written inside of a dog paw print.  My mind quickly flashed back to the day My Sedona and I united 5 years ago this January.  She was the absolute best birthday present I have ever received and little did I know when I rescued her, she would rescue me too.

My Dad passed away in the fall of 2007 and I was not in a very good place during that time. Every dark day blended into the next and no matter what I did to try and pull myself out of the deep slump I was in, I was unsuccessful. January rolled around and my boyfriend at the time asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I said I wanted to rescue a dog from a shelter.  I was the luckiest girl in the world because the following weekend I was on my way to North Shore Animal Shelter, one of the largest "No Kill" shelters in the United States to pick out my very own dog.  The entire drive there I was filled with all kinds of emotion. Of course I was thrilled for this new adventure in my life, but I also was nervous not only because of the responsibility I was about to take on but this shelter was an absolute zoo and I had my heart set on walking away with a dog that day.

Okay, so imagine the mall on Black Friday...This is how it worked. 

You walk into a room with a bazillion cages each with a puppy inside. If you find one you like, or that looks like it will be a good fit,  you quickly grab one of the volunteers who will grab the puppy out of the cage for you to hold.  Now as soon as that puppy is in your possession you have first dibs and no one else walking around that room can have that puppy until you put it down.  I quickly walked the area looking for a dog that wasn't barking and was female of course. I don't know why but the thought of saggy dog balls on my couch made me want to vomit lol.  I could not find a single one. Feeling a little bummed I walked over to my boyfriend and told him I didn't see one. One of the volunteers heard me and said that they bring new puppies out every hour because that is how quickly their dogs get adopted there. So we made our way to the local Walmart and stocked up on doggy supplies. Having no idea what to get I walked away with Pee Pads (check), a bone (check), a kennel (check) and Dog food (check). Now all that was missing was a doggy.  We drove back to the shelter and as soon as I got into the parking lot I became even more determined to find the dog for me.  I power walked into the room and did my loop feeling let down once again, UNTIL I spotted a cage all by itself in the middle of the room none the less.  This couldn't be right.  I walked up to the cage and the dog came right up to the door and was not barking ANDDDDD she was a female!!!  I quickly grabbed one of the volunteers not understanding why she was still available.  As the volunteer grabbed this little pupperz out of her cage to hand her to me she said this pup had kennel cough and it was curable but will take a little time.  The volunteer placed the little thing in my arms and as soon as she did so, the doggy put her head on my shoulder under my hair and dug her claws into me.  I tried to put her on the table so that I could look her over and make sure she looked okay but she wouldn't budge. Her head was firmly pressed into my neck and her claws even deeper into my skin.  I began to get teary eyed and when I looked up at the volunteer who was looking on, she said something I will never forget "You know, people say that dogs choose their owners just as much as their owners choose them." I looked at her with the biggest smile on my face and said "she is the one.  I want her."

I waited for what felt like an eternity in the waiting room while they called three of my references to confirm that I was capable of taking care of the cutie patootie.  I thought it was incredible how they made sure the person adopting the dog was a good person.  I read over her paper work and learned that she was from Tennessee and was stranded in Hurricane Katrina. After my references checked out I was free to take my 3 month old home! I sat in the back seat the entire 45 minute drive back from Long Island to Queens and could not stop smiling.  This was the first time in months I felt happy and I could tell with her head still on my shoulder, that she felt the same way.

It took awhile to coax her off of me that day...

I decided on the name Sedona because I wanted to incorporate a lil' bit of home while living in New York and one of my all time favorite places to visit is Sedona.  It didn't take long for Sedona to adjust to her new home and before I knew it she was no longer little.  I started to worry that her supposive full grown "medium" size that they had marked on her cage the day I got her was beginning to look more like LARGE and when the shelter guessed the Boxer Breed in her would most likely dominate the Great Dane wellllllllllll, they were wrong haha. It got to a point where I could barely hold her the way she loved being held anymore (sad face) and she quickly began to show her silly  human like personality.

I was getting ready to take her to the park and this is what I walked out to... haha. 

Apparently she was waiting on me.

I, along with any one else who has met Sedona, notices that there is something extremely special about her.  One of the many silly things she will do is stand in front of me and try and talk until I guess what it is she wants or needs and then she will become satisfied that she got her point across. Or, when I find her sitting in front of a mirror intently staring at herself.  Most of the time I find it funny except for when she does it in the middle of the night (that tends to creep me out a bit).

 Raising her in NY was a bit of a challenge at times, especially when we would have to go on potty walks in the freezing winter months or when she didn't want to walk up the 12 flights of stairs when the old elevator in my building was broken,  but I would not trade any of it for any thing.  One of my favorite memories of Sedona in New York was when she would watch the train go by out of my bedroom window.

It was like clock work every time the train went by...

1.5 years later, it was time for Sedona and I to end our time in New York and make the long road trip across the country to sunny Arizona.  I could not have asked for a better partner to have made that trip with.  Sedona will be 6 years old come November.  We have embarked on quite the journey thus far and Arizona has brought a lot of "New Favorites" for Miss Sedona. Such as...

Car Rides

Early morning hikes

And naps where it is too sunny. Never had that problem in New York (haha)

Sedona is the one thing I can always count on coming home to every single day so happy to see me and always so sad when I leave.  She has brought a world of happiness into my life and continues to help me in more ways than I can ever begin to thank her or God for.  It's funny, because of Sedona, I have learned to love in a way I never knew was possible, as that is the way she loves me.  In addition, I have also learned to be patient in a way that I wish everyone could learn.

Although she is to big for me to hold now (80 lbs), she still manages to find a way to rest her head on me; Just the way Sedona did the day we rescued one another.  

Symbol for the Soul

In Arizona, it is rare to have the opportunity to be in the presence of a Butterfly during the summer time.  Lucky for me, I came across a vibrant red and yellow Butterfly on my walk this morning with these 2 silly girls..

   It caught me off guard to see (I am going to call this Butterfly a "her" haha) land on a purple flower right in front of me before she continued on her way flying ever so delicately into the distance. Some religions consider Butterflies a Symbol for the Soul or spirits of loved ones... and I absolutely believe it.

I know speaking from my own experience with my dog Sedona, and what my life was like before she joined me compared to my life with her in it, I can relate with animals and nature on an entirely different level than I even knew was possible. Coming across this beautiful Butterfly this morning, it was no different. To me, a Butterfly not only represents Peace and Freedom, but I also see Butterflies as a symbol of transformation. A Butterfly endures extreme changes during its life time, not only with their environment, but with their bodies and how they unquestionably have to except it all.   This breath taking creature is so very fragile and small, yet the changes that happen in their lives are quite significant.  Hmmmm interesting.

I have woken up this past week and noticeably have felt FREE,  just like that lovely creature I saw this morning.  The relief my heart and soul feels can easily be explained by the things I saw today.

Most of you reading this, know my early morning walks with the monsters is one of my favorite things to do. Why might you ask? This is why...

And this...

Always extremely Peaceful and Invigorating.

  I learned a lot from my Butterfly encounter this morning; especially the symbolism associated to the current state of my soul; healing yet Free.  My advice to you,  make peace with the responsibility to accept the changes that come in life, and grow from transitional periods as gracefully as a Butterfly.

Thought I Found My Forever...

It's funny, as adults we think we know absolutely everything we can to know about ourselves as individuals, until a major life event happens or we take a step back and reflect on something we have wanted to ignore, and ***POOF*** just like that something new is learned.  

 As outgoing as I can be at times,  I find the older I get, there are moments where I want to sit back, not be disturbed, and quietly observe; taking in life exactly as is.  It is the kind of moment where the world almost slows down and I am able to really watch , listen and feel what is going on around me. 

This moment has been occurring more as of late, and as of the last couple months, I have really had the opportunity to apply it to my relationship.  I saw a lot the weekend I was in Seattle. The love that Carl and my sister Valerie share and have for one another was truly something special to see.  They have been a couple since high school, and although I have seen the two of them together for years, to see the growth in their relationship and be able to FEEL the love that they have and experience the excitement on their faces for their upcoming "I Do's,"  it made me so so happy for them. As for me, it only made me sad that I was left to question even more the way I was being treated in my relationship.   

Unfortunately AND Fortunately (hard to say with my heart hurting),  I also realized that I was not receiving the kind of love in return that I deserved in a relationship, and after two and a half years of having it be that way more times than not, enough is enough and this man definitely DID NOT deserve me.  Not the woman I am nor the incredible Wife and Mom I am going to be one day.  Goodness, I so badly wanted to be LOVED by this person the way I loved him, and tried so hard to get quality time with him but sadly this man loved himself way more.  I wanted the absolute world with this guy.  But no matter how much I cared about this man and wanted him as my forever, or how badly I wanted to believe there was no way he could be the horribly mean person he decided to show me,  reality hit home (harder than I would have liked) and both his actions and words became very clear, and I could no longer ignore the person he is.   

For so long, I could never understand how one day he could be extremely lovey twd me and the next distant as ever.  He would say he wanted a future with me too, but I will never understand why he would say that and then say and do things that would push me away or bring me to tears. It took me awhile to let my guard down and to really trust this man, and I honestly wish I had never done so because he only judged me harder.  He didn't love me for who I was the way I did him nor do I think he understood that a relationship takes two people and more times than not each putting the other first; he was not ready to do this. Things were just strange, the way he thought he was this outsider that no one (especially me (ha) understood him. TRUST ME people, it was not hard at all to understand this man and forget trying to tell him that.  Yes, I am guilty as charged. I completely ignored my gut to stop being loyal and walk away from this man BUUUUT,  I loved him a lot and like a ton of bricks,  I was hit hard with the realization this man was real good at manipulating and he had been doing so since the beginning. How I chose to look past this for so long, I don't know but now looking back, he actually was so good at what he did that he actually had me questioning myself on many different occasions throughout the relationship; not only as a person, but as a woman      
(Not Okay).   


In addition, I will probably never understand how he was easily capable of watching me, the woman who he said he loved oh so much, cry by something hurtful he would say and/or do and sit there watching me with no empathy what-so-ever usually saying "I would not do a thing differently."  It was frightening how he had no remorse for things he would do wrong (and if he were here right now he would most likely say "wrong to who, you?").   I would often ask "how can you be so heartless?"  And he would quickly disagree with my statement, but now looking back I am not sure why I thought he would want to try and understand why I would say something as strong  as that. Another lesson learned. Take a second to really look into a person's eyes. I saw more in his eyes (and in his soul) than I was ready to admit to myself that is for sure.

 I am no where near perfect, I am not afraid to say that. Never in a million years could I not be sorry for something hurtful I say or do to someone let alone feel nothing when the person I care most about is clearly upset.   We are human. Or so I thought most of us are ; / ?   He often questioned his ability to be a good husband and father when it came time, and from what I experienced I now understand why.

Advice for all you ladies out there... 

If a man often compliments himself saying how sexy and awesome he is (lol no really)...
If a man puts his woman down more times than not or gives you back handed compliments...
If a man refuses to walk his woman to the restroom at 2:00AM while camping for the first time...
If a man uses "I" instead of "we" when talking about the future...
If a man constantly judges his woman, ADMITS never fully accepting her from day 1 & then still does it...
If a man talks about his past relationships OFTEN... 
If a man has zero patience...
If a man says he will wait for you for however long it takes for you to trust him again...
If a man says he doesn't know why but he makes you out to be a bad person in his head... 
If a man never says I am sorry...
If a man does not want to do things or go places with you because he has already done it himself...
If a man has to learn how to be concerned about you...
If a man would rather hold grudges than forgive... 
If a man says to your face he doesn't love everything about you...
If a man questions his ability to be a good husband and father...
If a man says he is happy yet always has something to complain about...
If a man thinks no one in the world "understands" or "grasps" him...
If a man says he wants to work on himself and then doesn't because he says he doesn't need to...
If a man disappears when he vacations alone OR wants to go off alone when vacationing together...
If a man can't figure out how to balance his life with work, girlfriend and friends...
If a man asks for your help AND THEN says he never needs your or anyone's help EVER...
And finally, if you are ever in a position where you give a man and second chance and he says he will never be a certain way or do something ever again...

WALK AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN.

Don't be a fool like me and believe the good in people will overcome the bad or believe in love the way I did. It ain't worth it, Trust Me.

 Yes, of course there were reasons why I fell in love with him. And yes, there are always two sides to every story. But at the end of the day, this mans mean demeanor out shined the good. There is no possible way some one could deliberately be that mean and not be aware of it.  All the secrets, name calling, the grudges (Ugh, those were the worse) and strange behavior patterns, well...

Definitely not a person I wanted to have my heart; to be my forever. 

To be quite honest, all I have ever wanted for myself is to be with a man that was capable of letting himself completely go and loving the same kind of love I give; Hard & Unconditional.  I was excited when I first met my ex because he too said this was how he loved BUT I realized quickly in our relationship that was not the case and he had these strange expectations of me and I ignored it (why the heck did  I do that to myself?).  I have learned that unconditional love is a special gift that cannot be taught.  I believe every person has it in them, just not everyone is aware on how to share the gift with others.  I know that man is out there who will want to share that gift with me, just a matter of time that I meet him.   I found this a little while back (see below) and I am so glad I held onto it.  I should have glanced at it more frequently, as it may have helped me come to terms with that man not being right for me much quicker than I did.  

Something I will now hold close to my heart and never forget.

Until next time, you can find me with this girl who will have my whole heart always.

Here Comes The Bride

Two weekends ago I was lucky enough to fulfill one of my  “Maid of Honor duties” and go to Seattle to help my little sister Valerie find her wedding dress.  Ahhhhhh! I can't believe one of my bestest friends in the whole wide world is marrying the man of her dreams :)  My mom joined in on the busy weekend adventure and as soon as we arrived Thursday evening the planning, ideas and fun began. Friday morning was the big day!  We were up bright and early and the first stop was breakfast! 

Probably not the most ideal way to start the dress trying on process for most brides to be BUT for my petite sis it was the perfect way to go and I enjoyed watching her eat all of that! Haha, For real she did.

 Our next stop...a super cute wedding boutique not to far from where Valerie went to school for her masters program.

 She got the name of this place from some of her friends who were recently married.  Word was they were not the most polite people. So, as Valerie's protective older sister (that never seems to go away) I had to put my "Game Face On" (it was a little dusty but I found it) in case they tried to pull anything with her.  Without giving away to many details, she found the one! Literally, it was the very last dress she tried on. And let me tell you people, in all my years of reading about and my absolute love for fashion, I have never come across the dress she bought and it is TO DIE FOR. No really, I am not kidding. The best part about the dress is that everything about it screams Valerie and I cannot wait until I can share pictures after the big day.  

My mom and I made it through the entire dress fitting without crying (very proud of us Mom) and we were off to celebrate the lovely purchase. Neither my mom or I could stop smiling at how absolutely beautiful Valerie looked in her wedding gown. She is going to make the most beautiful bride ever.

(Then and Now pics haha)

The rest of the weekend was just as busy as we spent all day Saturday visiting their beautiful wedding venue Roche Harbor. 

I am so lucky to be a part of Carl and Valerie's special day.  Carl makes my sister so happy and to see how much he truly loves Valerie for all that she is...well, that is all I could ever ask.